it was there

By Sarah Amoros’ Ferguson (‘23)

she will ask me why i never spoke up
and i will say,
it was on the tip of my tongue
during every phone call
it was on the tip of my tongue
during every long drive
it was on the tip of my tongue
at all the wrong times
it was on the tip of my tongue
when you silenced my aching with yours
it was on the tip of my tongue
in the midst of our arguments
it was in the silence
when i locked myself away in my room for months
you said it was because i hated you
but that’s not true
it was the gap in between my thighs and
when the number on the scale went down
my body was getting lighter
while my soul was getting twice its size
it felt like i was carrying his body
with me every moment of every day
you can’t see the weight of trauma on a scale
i know
i know you can’t measure a soul
but while i withered away
and begged my soul to stay
my cry for help was muted by
your lack of receiving help.
it was my sleeve covered wrists
it was there
it was there
loud and clear.
i don’t blame you
but i needed you.
– sometimes i forget… everything has to be about you,
which is why i dedicate these poems to you. Be careful what
you wish for.