This I Believe: Loss Sucks

By Avery McMorran (’23)

This I Believe: Loss Sucks. I know, the words speak for themselves and it sounds self-explanatory, but the more I lose in my life, especially the stuff that was out of my control, the more I realize how utterly painful it can be. The loss of time, the loss of people, the loss of relationships, the loss of pets, and the loss of items, all have caused me pain, anxiety, sadness; the list can go on. Yet, every loss has shaped me into the person I am today.

At a young age, the first loss I remember experiencing in my life was the loss of my Papa. I was two at the time, but as I have gotten older, I realize how much I wish I had a Papa in my life, and it saddens me to think of the relationship I lost with him.

Losing my first dog at the age of five was the next loss that sucked. Her name was Daisy and she was a great beagle; she used to bark during fireworks and the sight of firetrucks scared her. Losing my dog Baxter took place when I was twelve. I was old enough to understand he was truly gone. His loss was one I couldn’t stand to witness. I stood in the parking lot at the vet and kissed him goodbye from afar.

Starting in middle school, I have been experiencing the loss of friendships. It has been a constant loop of people who have walked into my life, figured out how to get real with me, and then walked out. Those friendships really hurt, the hurt where it feels like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

But the loss that hurt me the most was the loss of my twin sister Zoe. It was five years ago, this March in 2017, three months after our sixteenth birthday. There were five-and-a-half years of brain cancer, a stroke, seizures, dysautonomia, and storming. She had fought a good battle since the age of 11. She was fighting a battle I don’t think I could’ve ever fought, and yet, her attitude was always positive: not one day did she complain, feel pity, or feel sorry for what she was going through. A twin, a sister, a best friend, Zoe was all of those to me. Even after 5 years, it still has not gotten any easier. To this day, I am still trying to come to terms with how to live as a single child. I often wonder how to answer people when they ask, “So do you have any siblings”? I often get jealous when I see others with siblings, and it hurts when I see twins walking around. I don’t know if jealous is the right way to feel, but I do. I miss all that I had with Zoe and all that I could have had.

And while I could go on with all the losses I experienced in my life, let’s be realistic: I just don’t have that kind of time. But like I mentioned from the start, I believe loss sucks, and that’s the cleanest way I can put it, but it’s true. Loss has always been a tough thing for me to overcome and it honestly has never been one that I can just get over, because like anything in life that sucks, it just doesn’t feel good.